Local resident thinks tourists stink
By Sheeza Grumpleberry

Good lord, did you see the hordes of tourists that decended upon the capital this weekend? Boy are they annoying! They walk slowly looking around for signs, as if they’ve never traversed street grids intersected by unpredictable diagonals. They also stand on both sides of the metro escalator, completely unaware that the left side is reserved for more athletic people with dazzling uphill climbing stamina.

Who do these happy vacationing couples think they are, taking smiling pictures with their maps and their backpacks? In my family we knew better than to travel together.

As a two-year resident of Washinton D.C. I bear an authentic claim to this land. Okay, so I haven’t changed my Massachusetts driver’s license yet because of lingering sentimental attachments. At least I’m not from Boston. Boston tourists are the worst.

Everywhere I looked this weekend, whether around the tidal basin or at the new stadium, were large numbers of non-residents. Some people might ask how I could tell they were tourists. I guess I just have a sixth sense for these things. For instance, I can tell just from the fact that they’re coming out of a tour bus or from their Kansas City Royals hats exactly what District they’re not from.

And have you seen their frightful, acne-covered children? Real District residents don’t exist between the ages of three and 17. During their growing period, beltway children are reared in proper Maryland and Virginia facilities, away from the sensitive eyes of lobbyists. By 17, some young people reach the appropriate age to intern on the Hill and you sometimes run onto them…very rarely though…and they cover-up their acne before going to the Hill. Any younger, and they will just be asking for the pedophilia-prone Congresspeople to send them lurid gchat messages.

Clearly, the source of all this tourism is the advertising for District attractions. If only we didn’t waste our money blabbing about our great parks and free museums, people from outside wouldn’t catch on and come by the millions. I’m going write to my senator--er, my non-voting delegate to Congress--and demand she stop telling people how great DC is.

After all, building barriers to entry is the American thing to do.