March 2007
Word on the Street
By Johny John Johnson

I have some information that may be of some value to you. It concerns you and your courses at SAIS. Yes, I know no one is supposed to see what you write on the evaluation forms. It’s not about that. It’s far more sinister. You’ll be shocked, I must warn you, to hear of the events going on behind the scenes at your beloved SAIS. Perhaps you’d like to sit down.

Sleuthing is a natural disposition of mine, you know. Ever since I was a kid I’ve had a knack at being at the right place at the right time to overhear something, something interesting, something that would make me a little “dough.” I’m getting to the point, ma’am. I’m trying to tell you something very important.

So for reasons that will remain unknown to you, I happened to be at 1740 Mass. Ave one January afternoon. This was before the semester started, when the air was strangely warm for that time of year, like the water in the shallow end of the swimming pool. I happened to catch the tail end of a meeting of some very important people at SAIS. I won’t name names. I’m not a snitch. Not until you pay me, at any rate.

They were summing up what they’d decided to change during that semester. You want to know, do you? Suddenly very eager, aren’t you? Just let me pour myself a scotch.

Well, first of all, they mentioned the capping of various departments. I-Dev is capped at 90. And word on the street is they’re planning on doing the same to Strat. Why, you ask? They’ll tell you there are too many of you, or they’re stopping people from swapping departments to get into popular classes.

That’s not it. That’s not it at all.

Do you know why the number 90 was chosen as the number for I-Dev? I’ll tell you why. It was a bet. They each thought of a number. Then a random number generator came up with 90. The one who came closest got an extra $50 on his cafeteria card.

They’ll do the same for Strat, you know? If they get a lower number than there are already in Strat, they’ll boot you out, make you take IP or Energy or something very un–Strat-like. I think the generator even gives negative numbers. Lord knows what they’ll do then. I need ice.

Then there’s the bidding process. They want to open up the system to market forces. Students will buy and sell bid points on an open exchange, like those Europeans are doing with carbon. Students could then build up their points, sell them on later, or use them to bid on classes. They’re thinking of opening a futures market in the fall.
Of course, the SAIS bosses get to slice a little off the top, a few bid points commissions here and there. You know how it goes. Kick backs, they call ‘em in the trade.

Why? That’s easy. They’re going to let you spend bid points on other things, such as the vending machine or the printers and copiers. Most importantly, they’ll let you cash out however many bid points you have left at graduation. The most devious plan though, is to encourage students to pay off their professors and TA’s for better grades or a higher GPA. They’re taking their cut all the while, in every transaction, channelling bid points to off-shore accounts. When they leave SAIS they should each have a nice little nest egg they can cash in on, pay for a nice trip to somewhere. Somewhere I could never afford.

Dastardly, isn’t it . . . The students would benefit, you say? Let them earn a little cash; earn some experience in derivatives trading, maybe? Well, maybe. But then again your courses will become meaningless and your degree, too. To come out with anything worthwhile students will have to squeeze as much out of the system as they can.

Innocent grad girls from Wisconsin will sell their bodies between library stacks for a few extra bid points. Men will get in fistfights for them. There will be muggings in the SAIS cafeteria. Violence will spread. You’ll see students bribing officials, like the guards or cleaners, gangs trying to monopolize the system. Organized crime and violence will become endemic. This will be the true creation of the SAIS Mafia.

On the 2nd Floor, meanwhile, you’ll hear the fat cats laughing and cursing as someone loses to the random number generator. What should they cap next? They’re enjoying themselves, making a pretty penny. How can they get more out of the students? Perhaps a bid tax? Or a toll to go between Rome and Nitze? Who knows what they’ll think of next? You shouldn’t think about it. Here, have a whiskey.

Johnny John Johnson, as indicated above, is an Investigator-at-Large.  Should you require his services, you can rendez-vous with his henchman at midnight near the front steps of BOB.  Make it look natural.  The password is philologist.