March 2007
Disconnexus
By Lord Longbottom

You may have noticed that the last installment of Disconnexus was rather bombastic in its approach to the English language. That is because, dear readers, I was drunk when I wrote it. Well, huzzah! I have beer in the fridge and have found within me the muses from which all pretentious and florid writings come forth. So please pay attention as I spill forth on the carpet of life my very own brain micro-brew.

History is a Curly Fry
Plagued as I am by genius, some say, I was struck down once more by the gods, this time caught in a whirlpool of thought that took me around and around. Reposed, as I was, during a Macro class, I suddenly had flash before me all of history – or what I thought it was. For you see, not long before in the cafeteria there had been quite a vivid discussion (in my mind) as to whether history was circular, as the ancients used to see it, or progressive and forever pointing upwards, as members of the Enlightenment have suckered many of us into believing, and many of us do. This was a difficult discussion to have, especially with oneself.

I realised that I, too, was encumbered by the biases of our age and geography: ever increasing prosperity and knowledge; the juggernaut of civilisation destined to surpass even heaven itself. Maybe we already had. Just think, the average income for those populating God’s Kingdom must be pretty damned low considering all the poor people that have died over history. So let’s consider it no further.

Instead, let us return to this idea that history is either cyclical or straight, like a wheel or an arrow, like a racetrack or a runway, or for you Americans, like a bagel or a Twinkie. One has humanity captured on lightly toasted cinnamon raisin, forever destined to return to its roots and sesame seeds, haunted by its past as a portent of the future. It’s like looking at a picture of yourself when you’re a baby and realising that one day you’ll have the same amount of hair on your head and the same confused expression. The ancients drew comfort in this, perhaps because they liked babies more, but more likely because they feared change and were comfortable down in the sunny climes of Greece. Who wouldn’t be?

Of course, the advocate of linear history would argue that changes to Greek civilisation were dragged out over such long periods of time that few actually noticed the improvements. Homer passed on his stories by word of mouth. How utterly parochial for such cosmopolitan and debonair cats like Plato or Cicero! Straight advocates, totally secure in themselves with their Twinkies, would point to how mankind has steadily improved his lot over time, with a few bumps in the road, to be sure, but then the detours make the story more interesting, don’t they?

Ha! proclaim the ‘Circulars’. If today is inexorably better than yesterday, then how come London only surpassed Londinium in quality of living at the end of the nineteenth century?1 While Augustus was swanning about in clean baths that used plumbing and underground sewage systems, Dickens was getting his feet dirty in the waste from all the orphans he was writing about. Nay! Fear the return of history, they say, the end of man they cry, wearing their placards on street corners. The end probably is nigh. Take Weapons of Mass Destruction (650.759), or the Strat & Policy lecture on nuclear deterrence where Dr. Cohen forgets to mention why you should never wear Y-fronts (tighty-whities for you Yanks) in the Ukraine.* Once World War VI kicks off (III: Cold War; IV: Central African Wars; V: GWOT), Strangelove hits the button and it rains fire from the sky the chances are that the race of men will be reduced to a race of miners. The only ones protected at the time, these sturdy, specimens of men will have a hell of a job on their hands restoring humanity’s numbers.

Well, troubled as I was by the conclusions of the ‘Circulars’, but partially persuaded of their arguments, I had to resolve the issue, if not for me, then at least for our brave boys down the mineshafts. I was again in the cafeteria when fate provided a gastronomic clue. Finally, I had some mildly satisfying and delicious answer that would pacify my worries and let me get on with my lunch. The ‘Straights’ and the ‘Circulars’ were both right – or rather they were both wrong and I was right. History in fact is more like a spiral, circling around but moving upwards, too. Parts of time can look the same, or reverse some what, but the knowledge and advances made are still out there, leading to a quick recovery and further advancement. No return ticket to Square One (or the Drawing Board) for us! Instead, just like a coil being stretched, the higher you got the less you circled about until eventually you reach some point where it is so stretched it looks like a long upward sloping line. Yes! You have it! History is not a bagel, nor a Twinkie. It is in fact a curly fry!

1 S.A. Gent, my sixth grade history teacher
* Because Chernobyl Fallout.

This is Lord Longbottom’s second unsolicitied and, frankly, unwelcome contribution to sully our fine publication.