SGA Takes Great Leap Forward, Two Steps Back
By Mark Reeve

Dear Leader

The Student Government Association has finally decided to cast off the shackles of its oppressors. In this case, our oppression manifests in the form of basically everything at SAIS that constrains our raging governmental id.

Consequently, in addition to the free beer at Happy Hours we currently require in order to promote peace in the eternal conflict of student life, we will need additional food in order to complete our new, expansive mission. Said food will be obtained from the plates of the beneficiaries of our expansive wisdom, namely the students.

Effective immediately, if an SGA member happens upon a tasty morsel that may be reposing upon your plate, said agent has full rights to liberate said tasty morsel for the greater good, namely that SGA member’s culinary well-being.

While we understand that such a benevolent action might provoke some mild murmurings - such as an occasional unlearned utterance along the lines of, “Guvmint do take a bite, mm-hmm” - the need for this policy should be so self-evident that I would not dare to impugn the student body’s considerable intellectual powers in further justification for such an enlightened approach to governance.

Pursuant to which, the above-stated “food” shall be understood by all parties to include students’ “books, laptops, ipods, bicycles, skateboards, motor scooters (including Vespas), automotive conveyance (excluding Segways), furniture, apartments, houses, and any other consumer good we may develop a particular hankering for.”

We have a document that makes it all very clear if you would like to read it. It weighs 13 kilos. Standard boilerplate, really. Let the oppression end!
           
Furthermore, in this, the SAIS Year of China, we look to the East and the example of Beijing in undertaking our grand strategy. Just as the People’s Republic has embarked on a bold new plan to make its capital more pleasant for the Olympics next year, so will we endeavor to make SAIS and its campus more pleasant for everyone.
       
Please prepare yourselves for an enlightening series of pamphlets designed to make you better people, citizens, and taxpayers.

            Pamphlet #1: “FIRST STRIKE! Spitting = Bird Flu, No Spitting = Maintaining Personal Hydration Levels.”

            Pamphlet #2: “The Joy of Queuing.”

            Pamphlet #3: “Why SAIS Food Scavenging Might Not Be the Most Marketable Skill.”

Future pamphlets will cover the appropriate quantity of time to devote to email on your laptop during a class lecture (negatively correlated with the length of the break), how to politely dab the drool off a sleeping student in the library (bird flu kills, people!), and dating tips for publicly dating fellow SAIS-ers (wear masks…also good for bird flu!). We know these pamphlets, all emblazoned with the resplendent visage of our own Dear Leader, el Señor Presidente Shakti, for your edification, will enlighten everyone and make our glorious SAIS civilization eternally delightful for future generations, regardless of the discount rate assumed.
           
So let us march forward, comrades, into the future paradise created by the SGA in their magnificent beneficence.

Olé!