Department Heads Head Out
By Jonathan Bartolozzi

The Spring 2007 semester marks the end of an era for many of SAIS’s most beloved professors. In addition to Professor Cohen’s publicized departure, Professor Zartman (Conflict Management) and Professor Goodell (IDev) will also be absent next year. 

 Professor Zartman has been the head of the Conflict Management department for a number of years now, and remains one of SAIS’s most well-known professors. Professor Goodell (or Grace as she is known to her students) will be sorely missed by generations of IDev-ers.

The most publicized departure, of course, is that of Professor Cohen, the driving force behind the success of SAIS’s Strategic Studies program. 

Members of the Observer staff, seeking to find out more about this sudden announcement, spent Spring Break conducting some investigative reporting. They learned from an anonymous source at the State Department, that Condoleezza Rice was impressed by Professor Cohen’s charisma and his bowtie collection. After the big snowstorm in early March she is said to have woken up in distress and called for Prof. Cohen immediately. 

“Bowties” she said, “have a calming affect on me. I need Eliot to be by my side.”

Professor Cohen’s sudden departure has encouraged other professors to start looking elsewhere for jobs where they will be appreciated and needed.

Just before going to press, the Observer received a series of e-mails with further bad news for SAIS. First to arrive was an e-mail from the Public Affairs office of the Japanese government. 

“Professor Francis Fukuyama,” it read, “has been appointed as Prime Minister Abe’s primary negotiator and spokesperson for the newly-created Department of Libyan, Cuban, North Korean, Iranian, and Venezuelan Affairs.”

The official announcement, they said, should come later today, but the e-mail went on to praise Professor Fukuyama for his experience and patience in dealing with “stubborn individuals”; among them they cited the likes of Qaddafi and certain SAIS students, who will remain nameless. “We believe that Professor Fukuyama can help us establish important ties with these nations, which the United States has feared to confront.”
 
The Observer also received an e-mail from Professor Roett announcing his resignation. Roett explained the circumstances as follows: “Hernando De Soto’s push for private property has made it over to China, and since De Soto is busy with the IDB, they came to me to head up the project. I never used to believe in fortune cookies, but my last one really was a prophecy, it told me, ‘You will be tempted by dragons, and the land will be yours.’ “ 
 
“I am honored,” he continued, “to follow my destiny and serve the Chinese people.”
 
Students from the Latin American Studies program who spent their Spring Break in China with Professor Roett said the announcement did not come as a surprise. 
 
“We knew it!” one student exclaimed. “While we were in China, Professor Roett would disappear for hours, leaving us at boring meetings with government officials. One day we sent Amy, our Chinese speaker, to follow him, and Amy reported back that she had seen Professor Roett walk into a set of doors reading ‘Private’. We knew he was up to something.”  
 
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to the international media, Professor Ajami spent his Spring Break in the Maldives scuba diving with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. 
 
“I remember his exact words,” says Ajami. “Over a glass of California’s finest Chardonnay, Mahmoud told me ‘I have been interested in you for a while, but now that you offer Persian language at your school, I see that you really do take my country seriously.’” 
 
“He was so flattering,” Ajami said, “and, to be honest, he is so much smarter than your average SAIS student. It will be a pleasure to serve as his personal advisor. I just hope that when the Americans decide to bomb Tehran they warn me, or at least stay away from my office.”

So where do all these shocking events leave us poor SAIS students? Well, the upside of all this is that this will not only enhance SAIS’s reputation but, more importantly, with all of these former professors in high positions it will improve our job opportunities! As one SAIS second year put it, “If it gets me a job, it can’t be a bad thing.”

Jonathan Bartolozzi is a 1st year MA candidate in IDev - hence the hat.